Ready or Not
by itainthardtryin
Summary: Brittany's leaving for MIT in the morning and Santana's beginning to think that she's not going to get a goodbye like everyone else did. Spoilers for 4x22. One shot written for day 8 (free day) of Brittana Week on Tumblr. (But also written to make myself feel slightly better about the season finale.)


Brittany saves you for last. You knew that she would. You've always wanted to be her last, just not like this.

She wraps her arms around you and you do the same to her. "Oh man," is all you can say. Words are failing you. "You don't have to say anything," you tell her. Partly because you don't even know what you'd say back, and partly because you don't want to say goodbye in front of everyone like this. The most emotional and honest parts of your relationship with Brittany have always been private and you don't want this to be any different.

You aren't even worried that you're crying. You've shed so many tears over this girl in your lifetime that it doesn't even feel weird or awkward anymore. When you think of how much she's started to believe in herself, how far she's come, and where she's going - there's really nothing you could do but cry. It's not even crying because you know you should. You're crying because you're so proud of her, so happy for her, and have so much love for her, that it feels like your body can't hold it all in so it has to let some out. Sure, there's a part of you that feels like this is a definite change, a turning point for the both of you, but you have faith in her. You have faith in your friendship and in Brittany as a person, and you trust her not to forget about you. It feels crazy that a year ago she was the one feeling like this. You didn't understand how much it hurt.

(There wasn't one day that went by when you didn't think of her. You don't even feel selfish for hoping that she'll be the same.)

Then, too soon, she's pulling away from you and Schue is giving a motivational pep talk before the show. Brittany trails her hand the whole way down your arm as she detaches herself, and ends up with her hand in yours. She squeezes it gently, like she's having a silent conversation with you - _I'm still right here, we're still best friends, I still love you, please don't let me go _- until she does the one thing you swore she was just saying to you. She lets go.

And that's when the first seeds of doubt appear in your mind that you aren't sure if you know her as well as you used to.

It takes everything in you not to starting crying again.

* * *

Brittany owns the performance. Like, owns it. Okay, so maybe you have tunnel vision for the one girl who's been the only thing you were ever looking for for as long as you can remember, but you know it isn't even your bias. She was amazing.

(A part of you hopes she enjoyed it, because in a year's time she's going to miss being on that stage more than she could ever have thought possible.)

At the end of the performance, after New Directions are crowned victorious, everyone heads to the choir room to celebrate. You're just about to leave the auditorium to join them when you hear faint footsteps coming from the stage. It's dark, and you can't see her face, but you don't have to. You know it's Brittany.

She walks over to the middle of the stage and sits down. You'd love to know what she's thinking, what images are replaying in her mind. You hope you're in them somewhere. For a few moments, you just stand and watch her. You just appreciate her beauty, her stillness after all the noise of the afternoon. It's your feet that act first, taking step after step toward her before your brain even has a chance to catch up.

She sees you coming and you'd be lying if you said that the little smile that appears on her face didn't send your heart into overdrive. _Day eight hundred and six,_ you count in your head. You weren't lying when you told her you'd count the days she'd smile at you.

Silence seems to be the theme of the day between you, as neither of you say a word. You just extend your hand and pull her up, leading her towards the choir room to celebrate with the rest.

(You know how much those moments mean to you now. You'd do anything to go back to those few hours after you won Nationals last year.)

(In a year's time you'll wish you'd taken the moment with Brittany in the auditorium instead.)

* * *

The rest of the day goes by without you even noticing. There are so many people you haven't seen in such a long time that you spend the afternoon repeating all the same stories you've been telling over and over - about how much bigger New York is, about how, despite your differences, you've actually grown to like Rachel Berry and she isn't the worst roommate you could have, and how it doesn't matter how many Italian restaurants you've tried there - none of them compare to Breadstix.

Before you know it, everyone is saying goodbye again, only this time it's for real. You tune out of the conversations happening around you, and desperately hunt the room for Brittany but she's nowhere to be seen.

It feels like someone's stabbed you in the chest when you realise she's actually left without saying goodbye.

You thought that you were best friends, and best friends say goodbye to each other when they're leaving for MIT in the morning.

You ignore everyone around you and make your way out to the parking lot. Her car is gone. So is Sam's.

It makes sense that this is the way things are now. Of course she's going to want to spend her last night in Ohio with Sam. She loves him now. You know she loves you too - you have no doubt about that - but her love for you is different now.

You sit on the kerb and think about how you never thought you'd end up this way.

* * *

It's 11pm and you still haven't heard a word from Brittany.

You've been staring at your phone for the past three hours, hoping she'd send you even an - _i'm going to miss you _- text, but nothing.

Tears start to make their way down your cheeks without you even noticing. Have things really changed that much?

Then, your cell phone vibrates in your hand, and shakes you out of your daydream. You take one look at the screen and your heart stops. It's her. You can't believe you're about to say goodbye to her over the phone. This isn't how things were meant to be. But it's more than you'd convinced yourself you were going to get, so you'll take it.

"Hey, Britt-Britt," you say as you answer.

You can hear sniffing on the other end of the line and you immediately know she's crying. "Hey," she replies, trying to make her voice sound cheery so you won't notice the state she's in.

"Everything okay?" you ask.

There's a sharp intake of breath from Brittany. "I didn't- I- I didn't say goodbye to you."

"I told you you didn't have to say anyth-"

"No, not then," Brittany interrupts. "Tonight, when we were leaving. I didn't say goodbye to you."

"That's okay," you lie. "You had a lot of people to talk to. I get it."

"No, but it's not okay," Brittany says adamantly. "Don't you see? I've already forgotten you once. What if it happens again? What- What if I go to MIT and I tell you that I'll call you some night and I forget?"

(Your heart breaks at the thought of her forgetting you. When you went to New York City she was the only thing you could remember.)

"What if I forget what you smell like? Or how your voice sounds? Or how you like your coffee?" She pauses. "Santana," Brittany's voice breaks. "What if I forget you?"

"You won't," you reassure her. About ninety-nine percent of you knows it as truth, but there's always that one percent of doubt that seems to be larger than the rest.

"But what if I do?" Brittany asks timidly.

"You won't get a chance to. I'll be in touch with you every day, and if we can't do that, then every other day," you tell her. "I won't give you a chance to forget me. If you still want me to be in your life, then I will be."

Brittany audibly cries down the phone to you and its a sound you never want to hear again.

(You think it's a sound you'll probably hear more often as you learn to deal with distance again. That didn't work out so well last time.)

"Can I come up?" she asks.

"Um..."

"I'm parked outside your house," Brittany admits. "I just- I- I didn't want to disturb you or whatever, but I just needed to be close to you before I have to learn to be far away from you again."

You choke back a sob. "Yeah Britt, I'll come down and let you in."

* * *

You both tiptoe back up into your room so you don't draw attention to yourselves, even though your mom hasn't ever had an issue with Brittany being in your house at any hour of the day.

When you get into your room, Brittany stands there awkwardly as if it's the first time she's ever been there.

"Hey," you say to get her attention. "It's going to be okay."

Her bottom lip quivers and you know she's going to cry again. "I couldn't do it today- not in front of everyone. And I told you... I told you last year when you were going to New York... I told you that I'd never say goodbye to you," Brittany cries. "I told you that, and you believed me, and now here I am and I'm saying goodbye."

"It's not forever," you offer.

"No, of course not," Brittany shakes the idea away with a frown. "But it's for a little while. And when I told you I'd never say goodbye, even saying goodbye for a little while makes me a bad person."

You take a few steps closer to her and look her straight in the eye. "You are not, and will _never_ be a bad person, Britt," you tell her honestly. "Sometimes I'm sure that you're the only good thing in this whole world."

She swallows her tears and her chin quivers, and her eyes pool with tears again.

"And we're not saying goodbye... it's more of a 'see you later', than a goodbye."

"But what if I forget? I've never been good at remembering things without you."

"Did you forget me when I was in Louisville?" She shakes her head. "Or New York?" She shakes her head again and you smile. "Then why should it be any different now?"

"Because I won't have things around me to remind me of you."

It shouldn't hurt as much as it does, but that sentence cuts into you like a blade through your skin. You want to completely reject the idea that the only reason Brittany remembers you at all is because she's been spending time in the same streets, the same houses, the same choir room where you both fell in love. Will things really be different when she isn't in Lima anymore?

You walk away from her and sit on the side of your bed. "Britt," you say, your voice smaller than you wanted it to be. You want her to understand what it feels like. "When I went to Louisville, nothing was the same. I didn't know one goddamn person, I didn't know where my classes were, I didn't know my teachers. I didn't know my roommate, I didn't know where the cafeteria was, I didn't even know where to go to do laundry." Brittany looks at you and, despite everything, she smiles a little thinking about you driving three hours to come home and do laundry every week instead of finding out where to go on campus to do it there yourself.

"I didn't know _anything_, and it was terrifying. I didn't have anyone to talk to who was familiar or somewhere to go that was _my place_, y'know?" Brittany looks even smaller than you feel.

"But you know what I _did _know?" You make sure that Brittany is looking right at you so you can show her how serious you are. "I knew that back in Lima there was this one girl who loved me as much as I loved her. I knew I had someone who's known me since I was five years old and who still knows me inside out even after all this time. I knew that, even though college wouldn't be forever, there are other things that are definitely forever, and we're one of them."

Brittany chokes out a sob. "So, if you ever think you're going to forget me, or you feel like you are, then just remember that everything is temporary. Apart from us. We're permanent. We're forever, okay?"

Brittany nods. She stays silent for a second, and then. "What if they don't like me at MIT?"

You smile. It's been a long time since she trusted you with her insecurities this much. It makes you feel like you're coming together again rather than saying goodbye. You stand up again, taking a few small steps in her direction so you can reach out and place your hands on her shoulders, comforting her. "They're going to _love_ you, Britt-Britt. It's impossible not to."

For a brief second you think you might be saying things you shouldn't be saying, but then you think, fuck it, you're not going to let Brittany leave without knowing your deepest truths.

"I love you, too," Brittany cries.

There are a few moments of uncertainty then. Moments that, had this been a year ago, six months ago even, would probably have been filled with lips on lips, skin on skin. But this isn't six months ago, this is now, so instead the moments are filled with hand in hand, and eyes on eyes.

"You're going to be okay." And you aren't just saying it to comfort her. You know she will be. She's smarter than she knows.

"Will you be okay too?" And fuck, you don't know how Brittany manages to be so perfect all the time, to take your breath away on a daily basis, but she does.

"Of course I will," you tell her. "I have the most awesome best friend in the whole world."

Brittany laughs and the sound is like music to your ears. "No way," she jokes. "My best friend is totally the most awesome _ever._"

And yes, you think, things are definitely going to be okay.


End file.
